So I am a bit warped. Today, I was in Personal Evangelism--which is an entirely respectable class--and Dr. Nix was reminding us of the condition of the lost, as we are apt to forget what it is like to be separated from Jesus. See? Shining and respectable. The first point in the lecture was that the lost were under sin. So, of course, I imagined a little man being buried under a rock labeled "sin".
The next point in the lecture was that the lost are spiritually dead. Dr. Nix described them as just going through the motions--they come to church, they sing the songs, they pray out loud, but inside they're still dead. They're just walking about dead--kind of like zombies. Yes, his term originally, but you know that I championed it. I was then overwhelmed by the image of zombies filling up a sanctuary and singing "Brethren We Have Come to Worship" in a slurring fashion.
The next point in the lecture was that the lost are "children of wrath." Of course, the zombies then attacked the non-zombie choir in the choir loft. There was great carnage.
The fourth point on the slide show stated that the lost are "without hope." So, after decimating the choir in the choir loft, the zombies went back to the pews, and laid on them weeping because they have no hope as they had eaten every human in the church.
The fifth point informed me that the lost have "no peace." Of course, at that point, an unsuspecting group of hippies in a VW microbus pull into the church parking lot, and stumbled into the sanctuary. They were wearing peace sign necklaces and the zombies ripped them off before eating the hippies. Dr. Nix went on to say that lost people try to find peace in their lives by filling it with drugs and sex, which are self-destructive behaviors. So, a few of the zombies were trying to shoot up, a few were looking for a room, and a few had dynamite strapped to their stomachs, and blew up. Very self destructive. Dr. Nix then told us that this behavior was like sticking stuff in a black hole. So, a black hole opened up under the pew where Mrs. Tuttle kept her special seat cushion, and sucked up most of the zombies.
The sixth and final point was that lost people are "spiritually blind." Dr. Nix asked, "If you're blind, what do you need?" I responded--no kidding--out loud, "Eyeballs." Someone else said, "Sight," so he went with that, but it was too late for me. I had already said "eyeballs." So the remaining zombies had managed to lose their eyeballs in the black hole before it closed, so they are down on the floor of the sanctuary on hands and knees searching for eyeballs. One of them is looking for a second eyeball, but his first eye is hanging on by a nerve.
After the slideshow, Dr. Nix showed us a video depicting several lost people in very real, very upsetting situations. The last person on the video was a homeless man who lost everything including his family. He asked the camera, "Anybody know where I can get a new life?"
Well, then, the last surviving zombie, asked me if I knew where he could get a new life, because he was hungry.
It is highly irresponsible for Dr. Nix to mention zombies in the middle of such great imagination fodder.
