Southern Comfort

Hi, my name is Karen, and I'm from the deep south.  Why, yes, my accent is as thick as my grandmother's pecan pie, but you can probably stop the trope-train there.

Yesterday morning, January 24, 2012, the area I grew up in was hammered by tornadoes.  My corner of Jefferson County, Alabama, was violated by the unforgiving and wanton winds of a tornado system.  Over 200 homes were destroyed, and at least two people died.  My best friend awoke on Monday to see a circle of destruction surround her home.  I have yet to watch any footage from the disaster.  Why?  Because I'm sick and tired of national coverage depicting southerners a particular way--especially those from Alabama.

From the coverage I have seen in my life, it would seem that Alabamians all live in trailer parks, are missing teeth, either wear moo-moos or overalls with no shirts, have rebel battle flags on their cars, and are completely ignorant as to the rules of grammar.  That kind of footage just adds insult to the injury already felt by the devastation of my home town, it's nigh on unbearable.  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with people who do fit that stereotype, I'm just tired of being stereotyped.

So, for the record:

• I do not live in a trailer park
• I did not drop out of high school.  In fact, I dropped out of graduate school.
• I still have all my teeth, except for my wisdom teeth.
• I wear normal clothes, especially if I'm going to be on camera.
• I don't hate black people, or gay people; nor do I exploit illegal aliens.
• I do not have a rebel battle flag sticker on the back of my car, on a t-shirt, or on a necklace.
• I did not get pregnant at fifteen.
• I own more than thirty pair of shoes, so I do not have to go barefoot.
• I do own a pick up truck, but it is only 6 years old, and it does not have rust spots on it
• The only thing I dislike about the north is their lack of biscuits and abundance of toast at breakfast restaurants.
• I do not drink sweet tea.
• My parents are not cousins.  

Did I cover everything?  I hope so.  Now, let's please put the silliness aside, and help those who are hurting.  Want to help?  Check out al.com's post on numerous ways to help--both locally and remotely.

This year, I'm going to...

Well, I don't usually make New Years' resolutions.  I don't really see what the beginning of the year has to do with major life changes, but I digress.  This year, though, I'm determined to learn to play the ukulele.  I bought myself an ukulele for my birthday (my birthday being on the fourth of this month).  I am pledging, however, to learn to play my ukulele.  I played at playing piano, I clunked along on the clarinet, I noodled with the oboe, and a fiddled with the guitar.  It would be nice to stick with something.

My problem with my guitar is that it's body is so big, I can't get my right arm around it to strum.  Not so with the ukulele!  I have a Lanikai Soprano ukulele.  I bought it off of Amazon.  I'm eager to get to work!

Modern Woes

Why is it, that the one-touch-rescan-for-channels button is directly beneath the volume-down button on my remote?  It takes it a full two minutes to "find" said channels.  Of course, the channels do not exist as I do not have cable or satellite or anything of any sort.  My Xbox is the only source of entertainment when it comes to the TV.  It does quite nicely, of course, but when I try to decrease the volume, 2 times out of 10, I reset the channels.  In the meantime, the Xbox plays on happily.  My Xbox remote, of course, has turned itself off to save battery power, and I therefore cannot adequately pause my Netflix/Hulu.

Bah.  I think I'll go to sleep.  That will show the remote designers.

iPad Apps Need Not Apply

Dear websites that I otherwise willingly sign up for email updates: I do not have an iPad or an iPhone.  I do not, therefore, need an email a week advertising that you now have an app for them.  Please cease and desist.  And even if I did, I don't necessarily see why you need to advertise that you have one.  Either, a) you are somewhere to par with Twitter and would be remiss for not having an app, or b) have an app that seems to do nothing but repackage the website information that I already otherwise enjoy in a more convenient manor.

Your efforts are noted, please move on.

As for why I do not have an iPhone or iPad?  Well, I just can't justify the out of pocket expense.  I much prefer getting a laptop for about half the price with the same shelf life as a Macbook.  I've heard many a friend lament at the two-year lifespan of their laptops, and with one exception of a faulty motherboard, my PC's have lasted me just as well.  I have one faithful little Dell that is seven years old this year, and still works as good as it did then.  The same can be said, therefore, for iPhones.  I don't have $500+ to drop on a new phone every time it comes out.  My phones typically cost me $100 with contract renewal, and that's about the best I can do.  I personally don't feel the phones' superiority to my Android phones.  And I do not have a tablet whatsoever, as I still can't justify shelling out all those clams one my tight budget.  But if I did, I would spend the money on one that supported flash...as in NOT the iPad.  Perhaps that's why everyone has an iPad app--because their websites which are 70% reliant on flash do not work on iPads.  And Apple has managed to convince us that their product is superior, and it is simply our fault that we cannot adapt.

All of this is not to say that Steve Jobs/Apple-fiends/hipsters/artists out there are bad/evil/unlikable.  You're just wired different than me, and if Apple is what you value, that's great for you.  It's just not what I value.

Insomnia File #1

I have in insomnia tonight.  It's all resulting from medication that's supposed to knock me out.  I think I'm doing it wrong.  I'm also sick, miserable, and with no one for company other than two rats, a snake, and a turtle.  So to keep myself distracted, I've made the logical decision to list things about myself you probably never knew.  Or cared about.  Narcissism is truly the balm to all ails.

1. I love skulls.  No, really.  Not just my own--though it is my favorite.  I think they're cute.  And they're a reminder of the expiration date stamped on the bottom of our feet.  They make you appreciate the good times, and give you the patience to survive the bad.  Besides that, there is a part of me that enjoys the reaction I get out of the rest of my Christian friends when wearing skull earrings.
2. I bought a yellow truck so that I wouldn't lose my vehicle in the parking lot.
3. My skin is allergic to the deep south, and is threatening to slough off entirely if I don't move to a cooler climate.
4. My favorite thing about my Kinect for Xbox is yelling at it to play the next episode of Toddlers in Tiaras
5. I own six Captain America t-shirts, but I still love X-Men the best.  No one else seems to remember that Cap is not my favorite.  Sometimes even me.
6. When doodling myself, I always depict myself as having a pony-tail, no glasses, and rain boots.  In reality, I usually have a braid or a bun, I wear thick glasses, and I own no rain boots.  The doodles are a lie.
7. I own over sixty bottles of nail polish.
8. I have slept two out of the last 39 hours.  
9. The funniest and best book I've read in the last year is Patricia Brent, spinster written by Herbert George Jenkins during WWI.  (read / listen)
10. The song "Riu Chiu" as recorded by the Monkees is stuck in my head currently.  (watch)
11. I decided that I was a Beatles fan when I was in sixth grade without ever owning an album.  I have since purchased many albums, and am in awe at my blindly applied good taste.
12. I hate clowns.  And no, I will consequently never watch It.  I don't care if it's "not scary" as an adult.  My nightmares have enough red noses and fuzzy wigs in them without Tim Curry adding to the collection.

I'm going to try to go to sleep now.  Maybe Tim Curry won't follow me there.  

Mutton for All!

So, it seems like I keep running into men whose most distinctive physical traits are their sideburns--more aptly described as "mutton chops."  By "running into," I really mean "come across in my perusal of literature, history, and literature depicting history."  Example: Gibbs from Pirates of the Caribbean (still not sure how I feel about Stranger Tides).  I am developing an unfortunate attachment to them.  I am probably more exposed to them due to my recent choices in literature, which is also influencing my recent choices in historical matters, but it is all moving in concentric circles at this point.  I still have no idea where the term "mutton chops" comes from, unless someone somewhere has some really ugly livestock.  I have, however, found some awesome chops.

Prince Albert was, more or less, the King of England, though lacking the title.  Maybe you've heard about him.  That Prince Albert in a can joke?  Yeah, that's where it gets its name.  There's another kind of Prince Albert that we won't talk about, though, due to its...inappropriate nature.  Back to the man, though.  He was a great leader, a fantastic non-philandering husband (did you know that "philander" starts with a "ph"?), a loving father, and a thoroughly modern man.  And, furthermore, he has great chops.  Just look at them!  Netflix recently added Young Victoria to the streaming list, and now I can't get enough reading on Victoria.  And with Victoria, comes Albert, the love of her life.  And with Albert comes facial hair.

Through my googling for mutton chops, one man kept resurfacing to a place of prominence--and with good reason.  Elisha Marshall has chops to the moon and more.  Just look at 'em!  About the only thing Wikipedia has on him is that he was a general for the Union Army out west.  Honestly, if this man is remembered for anything in the years to come, it will be his awesome heights of facial hair.

The term "side burn" supposedly comes from THIS man--Ambrose Burnside.  He was a soldier and a Rhode Island politician, and famous for his facial hair.  His chops are pretty off the charts.

This startling gentleman is Caspar David Friedrich.  He was a painter of landscapes.  It begs the question of why he allowed himself to be captured on canvas with such an odd expression on his face.  It looks like his left eyebrow is about to leap off of his face.  He did ensure, though, that his magnificent chops be recorded.  Good man.

Computer Problems

So, one of the computers in the open office area was acting up this morning.  I was called in as a "computer expert" (I assure you that they overestimate my abilities around here), and left to work on it.  About ten minutes later I had this conversation with a coworker that I shall call Mandy.

Mandy:  You still haven't figured out what's wrong with that thing?
Me:  No, so I'm doing a system restore.  It takes a while to complete.
Mandy:  Is that going to remove the accounting software we installed last year?
Me:  No, I only restored it to last week.
Mandy:  Oh...are you sure?
Me:  Quite.

If the accounting software was removed, it would be easy-peasy to reinstall it.  The whole thing is web-based, slow as snot on a cold day in January, but very easy to restore.  If I lost the database containing the information for our materials testing...well, that would truly be upsetting as I have no idea how to get it back.

I finally figured out what the problem was, though, AFTER I did the system restore.  The antivirus was updating and scanning at the same as soon as the computer booted.  All I had to do was open the antivirus (which took a while), cancel the scan, let it update the virus database, and then let it scan.  It's been golden since.  That poor little computer just couldn't handle it doing both at once.  I tried to explain the problem to "Tiffany," who uses that computer the most.  The conversation went something like this.

Me: I figured out what's wrong.  It's the antivirus.
Tiffany:  Well how'd that get on there?
Me:  It's on every computer...
Tiffany:  Well, no one else's computer is having this problem?  Are you sure they all have it?
Me:  Yes, I am.  The one on this computer is just malfunctioning because of some scheduling problems.
Tiffany:  Can't we just take it off the computer?
Me:  No.  That would only make things worse in the long run.
Tiffany:  But aren't those antiviruses bad for computers?
Me:  No, viruses are bad.  Antiviruses are good...just frustrating and painful at times.

In order to make her understand the problem, I ended up comparing the antivirus to a mammogram: painful to deal with but necessary for health.